M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
