After last night, I could never be a politician.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
