WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
