does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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