dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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