he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
