just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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