I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
