The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
