Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
