someone threw a dead crab at me
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
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