Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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