Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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