so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
