I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
