heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
