well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
