I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
