Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
