I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
