I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
