FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i love accidental penises.
she smelled like a LAN party
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
