Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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