hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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