Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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