Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
