The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
