Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Randomize
