On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
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