I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
