Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
