Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
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