just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize