UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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