You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
