i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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