watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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