I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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