There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
