i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
