using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
