Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
A+ Viking dick
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
