I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
