A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize