I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
