Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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