I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize