Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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