saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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