Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
