i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
