you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
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