you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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