you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
