I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
This baby is an asshole
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize