I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
