My balls are so social today.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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