I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So squirting runs in the family.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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