i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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