Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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