I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Randomize
